“Stay single.
I only say this because when you’re young and in love, everyone thinks they’re the exception.
Sure maybe mom and dad slept in separate beds and then separate rooms, maybe the older couples you know bicker or fight, maybe they don’t talk at all if they ever did.
At your age, you can’t imagine it will ever be you, but it will be. Which is bad enough but what’s ever worse is how much you’ll feel like a failure because when the person who knows you best loses interest, that really takes something out of you—like surgery almost—and you really start to wonder if you’ll ever be whole again.”
— Margaret Scully in Masters of Sex
dinsdag 18 februari 2014
It's my party so I'll bail if I want to
My birthday has been a rather unpleasant event for me for a long time now. I don't remember when it started. But this year, turning 37, it had to stop.
I booked myself a city trip to Prague, February 4th-6th. Why Prague? "Because Helsinki was already completely booked", I like to quip. I had my flight tickets, knew in which part of the city my hotel was and that there was a big Alphonse Mucha exhibition I wanted to see. Apart from packing, those were the only preparations I had made.
So upon arriving at Vaclav Havel airport, I had to figure out how to get to my hotel without being ripped off by taxi drivers. A shuttle bus delivered me in the center of the city, where I immediately spotted a supermarket of a common Austrian chain. I felt at home!
It was freezing cold and it took me a little while to get my bearings with the help of a small tourist map, but then I was on my way to the hotel. 4km walk at 0°C after nightfall (only 6pm though) in a country where a language is spoken that I don't understand. Which also makes it difficult to memorize street names, as I soon realized. I saw much of city center, passed by Kampa museum with its disturbing baby sculptures, walked under Charles' Bridge and ended up asking for directions at an Ibis hotel approximately 300m from my actual destination. Close enough ;)
The hotel was fine, had some Central European charme to it, but unfortunately I didn't feel very safe there and also had an allergic reaction to the detergent used for towels and sheets. I was in for a sleepless itchy 2 nights' stay...
The city itself however was beautiful beyond belief. I loved wandering around, retracing last evening's steps in daylight (and still cold weather). I took a few pictures, but not too many, as I wanted to experience Prague with my own eyes - not through a lense.
I booked myself a city trip to Prague, February 4th-6th. Why Prague? "Because Helsinki was already completely booked", I like to quip. I had my flight tickets, knew in which part of the city my hotel was and that there was a big Alphonse Mucha exhibition I wanted to see. Apart from packing, those were the only preparations I had made.
So upon arriving at Vaclav Havel airport, I had to figure out how to get to my hotel without being ripped off by taxi drivers. A shuttle bus delivered me in the center of the city, where I immediately spotted a supermarket of a common Austrian chain. I felt at home!
It was freezing cold and it took me a little while to get my bearings with the help of a small tourist map, but then I was on my way to the hotel. 4km walk at 0°C after nightfall (only 6pm though) in a country where a language is spoken that I don't understand. Which also makes it difficult to memorize street names, as I soon realized. I saw much of city center, passed by Kampa museum with its disturbing baby sculptures, walked under Charles' Bridge and ended up asking for directions at an Ibis hotel approximately 300m from my actual destination. Close enough ;)
The hotel was fine, had some Central European charme to it, but unfortunately I didn't feel very safe there and also had an allergic reaction to the detergent used for towels and sheets. I was in for a sleepless itchy 2 nights' stay...
The city itself however was beautiful beyond belief. I loved wandering around, retracing last evening's steps in daylight (and still cold weather). I took a few pictures, but not too many, as I wanted to experience Prague with my own eyes - not through a lense.
The Mucha exhibition was stunning, I spent hours wandering around, enjoying the detailed sketches, the epic paintings of later years. One floor down in the same building, a Salvador Dali collection was open for visitors too. An admirer of his work since highschool days, I had to pay him a visit too. Now I know: Don't go see Dali's works when sleep-deprived. A walking nightmare.
For lunch I treated myself to Vietnamese, as I had stumbled across one and had heard one of my students praise this cuisine many years ago. I'd like to say he was right, but that day in Prague I wasn't convinced. A negative factor that cannot be ignored was the fact that smoking is still allowed in many restaurants and cafés in CZ. Another reminder of my Central European upbringing in the 1980s & 1990s...
The afternoon was dominated by my attempts to find the Fashion Museum. I think I spent hours looking for it and when I finally found it - well... Let's call it quaint. What was announced as "The Czech Republic's first fashion museum with vintage shop" was... well, one room, some clothes and shoes along one wall and "the history of the little black dress" on 4 mannequins along the other. But hey, it was free and warm.
After buying a picture postcard I walked back to my hotel, but sleep was elusive again and I couldn't wait to make my way back to the airport by public transport.
I'll definitely return to Prague one day, but I will stay away from Hotel Petr and its detergents.
Maybe I'll be celebrating my 38th in Helsinki.
For lunch I treated myself to Vietnamese, as I had stumbled across one and had heard one of my students praise this cuisine many years ago. I'd like to say he was right, but that day in Prague I wasn't convinced. A negative factor that cannot be ignored was the fact that smoking is still allowed in many restaurants and cafés in CZ. Another reminder of my Central European upbringing in the 1980s & 1990s...
The afternoon was dominated by my attempts to find the Fashion Museum. I think I spent hours looking for it and when I finally found it - well... Let's call it quaint. What was announced as "The Czech Republic's first fashion museum with vintage shop" was... well, one room, some clothes and shoes along one wall and "the history of the little black dress" on 4 mannequins along the other. But hey, it was free and warm.
After buying a picture postcard I walked back to my hotel, but sleep was elusive again and I couldn't wait to make my way back to the airport by public transport.
I'll definitely return to Prague one day, but I will stay away from Hotel Petr and its detergents.
The Ballad of Lucy Jordan
At the age of 37
She knew she'd found forever
As she rode along through Paris
With the warm wind in her hair
She knew she'd found forever
As she rode along through Paris
With the warm wind in her hair
An all-time favourite of mine, I don't remember not knowing this song.
I thought about it often last year, becoming ever more determined not to end up like Lucy.
For my 37th birthday I didn't go to Paris.
I chose Prague.
donderdag 9 januari 2014
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
If you read all the way through my 2013 questionnaire, you know that the year hadn't been bad to me at all.
Let's have a look at the "defining moments":
End of May 2013: Depression diagnosis
End of September 2013: End of a long, comitted relationship
End of October 2013: Work contract terminated by employer
So, you could look at that and think, "What an unpleasant year!".
Or "The poor girl!". Luckily only one person reacted that way, and I haven't spoken to him since.
What people tend to have a hard time wrapping their minds around is the notion that
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's endLife is not linear. Maybe not even circular. It's spectacular! (Sorry, got carried away there.)
Being diagnosed led to getting better. Losing my job led to soul searching, research of options and the decision to go back to college and be serious about it this time around.
What was interesting to see, were the five groups of reactions to my new beginning as a single.
A) Fun:
Those who said they're sorry. Oh, the looks on their faces when asked if they had anything to do with the break-up!
B) Concerned:
Their first reaction was some kind of inquiry about my feelings towards this. "Are you okay?" "Which cat(s) did you get to keep?".
Yes, my cat defines my well-being.
C) Crystal Ball:
The ones who saw it coming. There's actually only one person who can be given credit for that, the others are just trying to save face. Luckily most of my friends admitted they didn't see it coming, because, well, I never talked much about my relationship. And that's when they realize, that indeed, I never talked about problems, but also hardly ever about good times...
D) 8!:
Those people who seem to be concerned about the fact that the break-up happened after 8 years of living together. This is quite puzzling. Do they mean that I should've figured it out earlier? Or that there's a threshold amount of years after which one cannot end a relationship? Or am I over-analyzing it, and it's just a reaction of "Oh crap, I don't know what to say now?"
E) The realtors:
This is the group I have the most problems with. "But you only just bought a house together!" (Thank you for reminding me, I knew I had forgotten something important.), or "What about the house?" (It's been standing for 100 years, it'll survive this too.) Flemish people, and mostly the older generations, place a lot of importance on real estate. You're not a real adult if you cannot tick off that box on your character sheet. Why would you untick it? How could you be so mean as to potentially, at some point in the future, cause it to be unticked for your partner?
That's it, I think I'm done comtemplating 2013 now.
maandag 30 december 2013
2013 - 2014
Thank you, ZeroDean, for this lovely greeting (link to his blog):
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, my first annual year review!
1.What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
I started living on my own.
2.Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year, because "Depression is the inability to construct a future." Will I make some this year? No. But I have plans.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friends Fie&Pie had their first baby
4.Did anyone close to you die?
No. I try to change seats when I notice someone's number's up ^eg^
5.What countries did you visit?
Austria. I'll travel more next year.
6.What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
More travelling, obviously. More fun in general
7.What date from 2013will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
02/10. The day I moved into my new apartment, into my new life.
8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Telling my GP that I needed help. He devised a plan for me, including medication & therapy.
9.What was your biggest failure?
I failed to say proper good-byes to my colleagues at work.
10.Did you suffer illness or injury?
I finally made an end to illness. But speaking about it with friends & family sometimes seemed like me dealing with depression overshadowed the fact that I had finally found help. I think most people were embarassed they didn't know I was depressed until I told them that I was receiving care for it.
11.What was the best thing you bought?
A round-trip ticket to Antwerp with entrance fee to the zoo. This day trip marked my "re-entering" the world.
12.Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Each and every friend who played a part in my moving out.
13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine, until May.
14.Where did most of your money go?
Furniture for Poppins
15.What events did you get really, really, really excited about?
Belgium Strikes Back, the move, preparations for a birthday party in February.
16.What song will always remind you of 2013?
None, but maybe "Daniel" by Elton John will remind me of my therapist, one of the most important people I met in 2013.
17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
i.happier or sadder? Happier!
ii.thinner or fatter? Thinner!
iii.richer or poorer? Probably poorer, but hey, see i. & ii.
18.What do you wish you'd done more of?
Loving myself
19.What do you wish you'd done less of?
Compulsive Skin Picking
20.How will you be spending Christmas?
I think I've started a nice new tradition of flying home to Austria for Yule.
21.Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Helen
22.Did you fall in love in 2013?
No, but I had a tiny crush on someone and one of my eternal loves re-surfaced.
23. How many one-night stands?
Zero
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I watched so many series... I can tell you that this was my favourite scene (NOT safe for work): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzxRBvEqPUg
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.
26. What was the best book you read?
Outch, books... "Every Day" by David Levithan looked promising, but I didn't get far.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery?
I tried to get into classical music, but didn't pursue it much.
28. What did you want and get?
Freedom. A degree of sanity.
29. What did you want and not get?
A bath tub.
30. What were your favorite films of this year?
I enjoyed taking myself to a small cinema in Brussels to watch "Michael Kohlhaas". The entire experience was magical.
31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
36 and I spent the day at the office. Other than that, memory fails.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A bath tub?
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
"LOOK AT ME!"
34. What kept you sane?
Bouncing my thoughts and ideas off my therapist.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least?
Most: Venus Van Dam
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
LGBT issues
37. Who did you miss?
Towards the end of the year: Plumsie. Where are you?
38. Who were the best new people you met?
"Daniel", many of Cookie's friends.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013
40. What are your plans for 2014?
Find a temporary job, travel to Mexico, start college in October, go back to Austria after the Winter Solstice.
May the new year bring you an abundance of amazing opportunities, beautiful moments, and joyful experiences. May your positive actions & attitude inspire others. May you be brave enough to take on and overcome rewarding challenges. May you find yourself in high spirits & excellent health. May you love with all your heart and find peace in even the most turbulent of times. May the love you give find its way back to you. And may you forever be filled with the hope & strength necessary to make your dreams a reality.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, my first annual year review!
1.What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
I started living on my own.
2.Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year, because "Depression is the inability to construct a future." Will I make some this year? No. But I have plans.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friends Fie&Pie had their first baby
4.Did anyone close to you die?
No. I try to change seats when I notice someone's number's up ^eg^
5.What countries did you visit?
Austria. I'll travel more next year.
6.What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
More travelling, obviously. More fun in general
7.What date from 2013will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
02/10. The day I moved into my new apartment, into my new life.
8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Telling my GP that I needed help. He devised a plan for me, including medication & therapy.
9.What was your biggest failure?
I failed to say proper good-byes to my colleagues at work.
10.Did you suffer illness or injury?
I finally made an end to illness. But speaking about it with friends & family sometimes seemed like me dealing with depression overshadowed the fact that I had finally found help. I think most people were embarassed they didn't know I was depressed until I told them that I was receiving care for it.
11.What was the best thing you bought?
A round-trip ticket to Antwerp with entrance fee to the zoo. This day trip marked my "re-entering" the world.
12.Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Each and every friend who played a part in my moving out.
13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine, until May.
14.Where did most of your money go?
Furniture for Poppins
15.What events did you get really, really, really excited about?
Belgium Strikes Back, the move, preparations for a birthday party in February.
16.What song will always remind you of 2013?
None, but maybe "Daniel" by Elton John will remind me of my therapist, one of the most important people I met in 2013.
17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
i.happier or sadder? Happier!
ii.thinner or fatter? Thinner!
iii.richer or poorer? Probably poorer, but hey, see i. & ii.
18.What do you wish you'd done more of?
Loving myself
19.What do you wish you'd done less of?
Compulsive Skin Picking
20.How will you be spending Christmas?
I think I've started a nice new tradition of flying home to Austria for Yule.
21.Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Helen
22.Did you fall in love in 2013?
No, but I had a tiny crush on someone and one of my eternal loves re-surfaced.
23. How many one-night stands?
Zero
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I watched so many series... I can tell you that this was my favourite scene (NOT safe for work): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzxRBvEqPUg
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.
26. What was the best book you read?
Outch, books... "Every Day" by David Levithan looked promising, but I didn't get far.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery?
I tried to get into classical music, but didn't pursue it much.
28. What did you want and get?
Freedom. A degree of sanity.
29. What did you want and not get?
A bath tub.
30. What were your favorite films of this year?
I enjoyed taking myself to a small cinema in Brussels to watch "Michael Kohlhaas". The entire experience was magical.
31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
36 and I spent the day at the office. Other than that, memory fails.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A bath tub?
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
"LOOK AT ME!"
34. What kept you sane?
Bouncing my thoughts and ideas off my therapist.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least?
Most: Venus Van Dam
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
LGBT issues
37. Who did you miss?
Towards the end of the year: Plumsie. Where are you?
38. Who were the best new people you met?
"Daniel", many of Cookie's friends.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013
40. What are your plans for 2014?
Find a temporary job, travel to Mexico, start college in October, go back to Austria after the Winter Solstice.
maandag 11 november 2013
Thank you, Network!
If asked about my social network here in Belgium half a year ago, I would've sobbingly told you that I don't have one. Therapy and starting to open up to people made me realize, I do have friends and connections here and they support me, assist me, lend a hand. I couldn't have moved to my new apartment as smoothly as I did (the 2 major hiccups we had were beyond our control) without my friends and they are certainly helping me decorate.
During my first trip to Ikea with Stoutemie, I spotted a big world map used as wall decoration. We both liked it, but suddenly Stoutemie said, "You know, my husband came by some vintage school maps a couple of years ago and has been planning to sell them as decoration."
So here she is, my 1961 Westermann's map of Oz:
During my first trip to Ikea with Stoutemie, I spotted a big world map used as wall decoration. We both liked it, but suddenly Stoutemie said, "You know, my husband came by some vintage school maps a couple of years ago and has been planning to sell them as decoration."
So here she is, my 1961 Westermann's map of Oz:
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