2013 - 2014

Thank you, ZeroDean, for this lovely greeting (link to his blog):

May the new year bring you an abundance of amazing opportunities, beautiful moments, and joyful experiences. May your positive actions & attitude inspire others. May you be brave enough to take on and overcome rewarding challenges. May you find yourself in high spirits & excellent health. May you love with all your heart and find peace in even the most turbulent of times. May the love you give find its way back to you. And may you forever be filled with the hope & strength necessary to make your dreams a reality.

And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, my first annual year review!

1.What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
I started living on my own.
2.Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year, because "Depression is the inability to construct a future." Will I make some this year? No. But I have plans.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friends Fie&Pie had their first baby
4.Did anyone close to you die?
No. I try to change seats when I notice someone's number's up ^eg^
5.What countries did you visit?
Austria. I'll travel more next year.
6.What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
More travelling, obviously. More fun in general
7.What date from 2013will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
02/10. The day I moved into my new apartment, into my new life.
8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Telling my GP that I needed help. He devised a plan for me, including medication & therapy.
9.What was your biggest failure?
I failed to say proper good-byes to my colleagues at work.
10.Did you suffer illness or injury?
I finally made an end to illness. But speaking about it with friends & family sometimes seemed like me dealing with depression overshadowed the fact that I had finally found help. I think most people were embarassed they didn't know I was depressed until I told them that I was receiving care for it.
11.What was the best thing you bought?
A round-trip ticket to Antwerp with entrance fee to the zoo. This day trip marked my "re-entering" the world.
12.Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Each and every friend who played a part in my moving out.
13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine, until May.
14.Where did most of your money go?
Furniture for Poppins
15.What events did you get really, really, really excited about?
Belgium Strikes Back, the move, preparations for a birthday party in February.
16.What song will always remind you of 2013?
None, but maybe "Daniel" by Elton John will remind me of my therapist, one of the most important people I met in 2013.
17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
i.happier or sadder? Happier!
ii.thinner or fatter? Thinner!
 iii.richer or poorer? Probably poorer, but hey, see i. & ii.
18.What do you wish you'd done more of?
Loving myself
19.What do you wish you'd done less of?
Compulsive Skin Picking
20.How will you be spending Christmas?
I think I've started a nice new tradition of flying home to Austria for Yule.
21.Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Helen
22.Did you fall in love in 2013?
No, but I had a tiny crush on someone and one of my eternal loves re-surfaced.
23. How many one-night stands?
Zero
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I watched so many series... I can tell you that this was my favourite scene (NOT safe for work): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzxRBvEqPUg
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.
26. What was the best book you read?
Outch, books... "Every Day" by David Levithan looked promising, but I didn't get far.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery?
I tried to get into classical music, but didn't pursue it much.
28. What did you want and get?
Freedom. A degree of sanity.
29. What did you want and not get?
A bath tub.
30. What were your favorite films of this year?
I enjoyed taking myself to a small cinema in Brussels to watch "Michael Kohlhaas". The entire experience was magical.
31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
36 and I spent the day at the office. Other than that, memory fails.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A bath tub?
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
"LOOK AT ME!"
34. What kept you sane?
Bouncing my thoughts and ideas off my therapist.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least?
Most: Venus Van Dam
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
LGBT issues
37. Who did you miss?
Towards the end of the year: Plumsie. Where are you?
38. Who were the best new people you met?
"Daniel", many of Cookie's friends.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013
   






40. What are your plans for 2014?
Find a temporary job, travel to Mexico, start college in October, go back to Austria after the Winter Solstice.

Thank you, Network!

If asked about my social network here in Belgium half a year ago, I would've sobbingly told you that I don't have one. Therapy and starting to open up to people made me realize, I do have friends and connections here and they support me, assist me, lend a hand. I couldn't have moved to my new apartment as smoothly as I did (the 2 major hiccups we had were beyond our control) without my friends and they are certainly helping me decorate.
During my first trip to Ikea with Stoutemie, I spotted a big world map used as wall decoration. We both liked it, but suddenly Stoutemie said, "You know, my husband came by some vintage school maps a couple of years ago and has been planning to sell them as decoration."

So here she is, my 1961 Westermann's map of Oz:

First visitors!

Today, Mary Poppins *) and I welcomed our first visitors!

Of course, the ladies who helped me move in had seen the place in various stages of cardboardboxfulness,  but when the bell rang today, my knitterly friend Ameria and her family arrived to see my new "pad".

They had only been to my last but one dwelling once. I didn't dare to ask them back, as the state of that place deteriorated due to my worsening depression. But this isn't a blog dedicated to The Black Dog.

Today we had an entertaining yet relaxed afternoon.

It's been three weeks now since I told my ex-partner that I needed to move out and had indeed already found an apartment. Three busy weeks preparing and executing the move, buying household items and furniture, while still keeping social appointments in Brussels, Tournai and Charleroi (locations I'd have never thought I'd ever visit voluntarily). As things calm down a little, I'm slowly realizing that I really did it. After 17 years of serial monogamy I'm finally single.

*) 

I named my apartment Mary Poppins because of its views over the rooftops of Ostend.

Love...

The last 2 weeks have been a bit hectic. Lots of things to figure out, assemble, install, order and organize.
Luckily there was also room for musings like the following:

Love is a marketing trick.
Hollywood, Hallmark and the music industry use it to incite us to spend money.
Our brains use it to make us propagate the species.
Brains are actually parasites.
There's a huge percentage of our brain we cannot access - alien, much?
Or we're a race of machines designed to feed and take care of the ultimate Goa'uld - CATS.

Whatever you do, don't blink!

Moving Day

"The first day of the rest of your life", they say.

If ever I had such a day, it was today.
After 16 years of (more or less) serial monogamy, I moved out of the house I shared with my boyfriend (in German we would say, "Lebensabschnittsgefährte" = companion for a phase in life) this afternoon.

Now the view across the rooftops is really mine.

Rooftops...

“There are so many moments to remember and sometimes I think that maybe we're not really people at all. Maybe moments are what we are.... Sometimes I just survive. But sometimes I stand on the rooftop of my existence, arms stretched out, begging for more.” 
― Markus Zusak, Getting the Girl

Where I borrowed the blog title from

“Fuck me. I'm so tired of being me. Me beautiful. Me ugly. Blonde. Brunette. A million fucking fashion makeovers that only leave me trapped being me.

Who I was before the accident is just a story now. Everything before now, before now, before now, is just a story I carry around. I guess that would apply to anybody in the world. What I need is a new story about who I am.

What I need to do is fuck up so bad I can't save myself.”

― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters